Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
