I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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