Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
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I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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