just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's no shave November. This is our time.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize