The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
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I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.