I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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