I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN