you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.