It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
