oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
