so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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