Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
