i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
