On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
