Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
