Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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