I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
