Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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