I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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