yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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