guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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