Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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