So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
