okay pat passed out under dana's car
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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