Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
