I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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