So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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