apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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