So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
