Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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