she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm at about main and main street
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
