the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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