Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
