well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?