It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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