I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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