i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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