I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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