my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
