my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
