So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
