I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
