I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
