How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
