My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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