you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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