I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
