I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
