im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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