He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
