i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
