She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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