After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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