Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
