I just cut my nipple shaving
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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